i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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