i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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