when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
