youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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