my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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