You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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