Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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