did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
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my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
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Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.