I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.