She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂