That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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