Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
