Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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