my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
