I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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