how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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