Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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