I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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