I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
