I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
