M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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