The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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