she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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