Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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