3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
