you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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