this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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