Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
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His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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