i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
its liver damage thursday
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
