i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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