I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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