just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
