well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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