I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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