I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
