Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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