so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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