Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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