well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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