I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
