she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
