I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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