just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
