i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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