There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
