i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize