i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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