I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
