The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
