don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize