my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
