I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
