U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
