Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
